If there is anything slightly good about having diabetes, it was the crazy weight-loss that preceded my diagnosis.  I think my “healthy” weight is about 130 or 135 – at that point, I was in a size 8 or 10.  And I thought I was fat!  God, as I look back I am not sure how I thought that.  Blame it on the media and marketing I suppose.  I was working in ICU back then and there were always single med students and residents around flirting with the nurses.  I remember an OB resident that I thought was cute who didn’t give me the time of day.  But he always seemed to need to talk to a very pretty, petite nurse named Vera. Sort of made me crazy if I had a legit need for his attention for a patient, but got the brush off.

Weight loss

Fast forward a year, I have moved on to the ER and was dwindling away from as yet undiagnosed diabetes.  I was 115 pounds and a size 4 or 6.  The 20-pound weight loss seemed like a gift from God!  My friends thought I looked skeletal and needed to eat something, but I was digging in my “skinny, boney” body!  I was elated to eat what I wanted and not have it impact the scales.  I remember saying “My metabolism has finally caught up with my appetite – Hooray!!”  How ironic – it was my metabolism, just not for the reasons I expected.

Flirting

Just so happens one day at work in the ER, with my scrubs cinched up at tight as they could go because they are falling off, “The OB resident” gets called down to see a patient.  That same guy who had no time for me a year earlier suddenly wanted to chat!  He was curious to know how I liked the ER, what sort of workouts I was doing, and if I was dating anyone.  Initially, I was flattered and excited when he suddenly had more ER patients he needed to see.

As my diagnosis played out that summer and I realized I was literally fading away from diabetes, I got pissed.  I was still the same person, the same nurse with the same skills.  But somehow because I was cachectic (medical word alert – definition here), he was now interested!  Pah-leeze.  I wasn’t having it and my cold shoulder and eye roll skills came out!

It taught me a lot about body image, my self-esteem, and my self-worth. I am more than what this disease makes me.  As much as it can suck, diabetes has taught me a lot!

With gratitude always,
Patricia